Standing on the Edge

When Depression Crushes Your Ability to Give to Others

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You’re tired, so tired. You’ve been drained of life, passion, desire. You struggle to put one foot in front of the other. There is no more energy. You’ve given it all away.

You’re desperate to rest. You want to close the curtains and burrow in the darkness of nothing. You want to sit curled while your chin rests upon your knees. You want to lay sprawled in hopes all the stress will magically free itself from your body.

It doesn’t. It never does. It lingers within your organs and crushes your soul. It tightens your muscles and instead of feeling unknotted you feel your heart pounding away on the verge of panic.

Why can’t I rest? It’s just this one day. I want to give up for this one day and go back to bed, but you can’t.

You can’t give up.

Who will fulfill the expectations? You are expected to sacrifice your own suffering to fill the need of others. Their need to feel validated, their need for you to acknowledge what they’re going through, their need to feel better regardless of what it costs of you.

You want to love them, you do. You want to feel loved, you do but not today. You can’t. You’re too weary. Go away.

Regardless of how emotionally drained you are you’ve made it this far. You’ve been standing on the edge for so long but you’ve been strong, you’ve been solid, except for today. Today you just can’t or you can, but don’t want to.

How is it possible to feel so tried yet fueled with so much anger at the same time?

Living is exhausting. Anger requires energy. Whether it’s mania or depression, it doesn’t matter. It’s the same emotions. Anger and fatigue.

You want to scream but your vocal cords strain, and you can’t. There is no sound. You hear yourself but they can’t. You’ve been drained of sound, energy, hope, contentment, voice. You’ve been drained of words. They’re not listening. You feel that way, anyway.

You’ve made it this far. You have been doing it for so long, the weight pushing down against your shoulders and tugging you in the places it hurts most until you ultimately break.

Have you believed for so long that now there’s nothing left to believe in? It’s an upheaval of emotion. Hopeful, relieved, uninterested, disappointed and then back around, up and down again.

Swallow it, stuff it, bury it, do whatever you have to do. You haven’t a choice. Sacrifice your own suffering. You’re tired, so tired but you’re going to have to push yourself through it.

They need you.

You need you.

November 12, 2016. This is an entry from my personal journal.

Newspaper reporter in Eastern Iowa. The views expressed are mine alone.

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