Stuffing the Monster Deep Inside of Me

“If you have ever believed a depressive wants to be happy, you are wrong. They could not care less about the luxury of happiness. They just want to feel the absence of pain.”- Matt Haig, “Reasons to Stay Alive.”

There’s a monster lurking in the deepest, darkest parts of me. I do my best to subdue it and when I can’t I isolate. If I don’t it may strike out at others. It may try to ruin things for me. The monster boils my blood. The monster stops me from thinking rationally. The monster scares me.

I saw the monster today.

I did everything I could to make it go away. I can’t remember the last time I saw it and because of this I wasn’t expecting it. I was unprepared and I needed a plan to fight the monster off. It was too late and I had no choice but to face it.

I took the monster for a walk.

I emotionally fed the monster cookies.

I embraced the monster while I balled up in a corner and cried.

I attempted to sleep the monster off.

I showered and tried washing the monster away.

I medicated the monster.

I meditated the monster.

I refused to submit to the monster.

I hid the monster from others.

I swallowed the monster whole.

I stuffed the monster deep inside of me.

I wrote about the monster with my words.

I expressed the monster through art.

The monster was present the moment I opened my eyes this morning. I laid in bed hating myself. As the day progressed so did the monster. As the sun set the monster pushed harder.

I struggled, desperate to scream and stomp, I wanted to unleash the monster and free myself from its grasp.

The monster wanted to take over me. I spent the entire day fixated on taming it. It consumed all of my energy. I was determined not to lash out.

I was able to control my temper towards others. I didn’t erupt with anger or rage. Stuffing it deep inside of me took all of my focus and vitality, a self destructive means.

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