What They Don’t Tell You About Menopause

A No Chance for Survival Skills Guide for Women and Men

Oddly, this photo was retrieved from Pinterest

What they don’t tell you about menopause is the heat. Sure they mention hot flashes but they fail to describe it as it truly is. A burning sensation piercing through you from the inside out, sending you in a fit of rage. You step outside to cool off and although the cold air crashes into you like a wall- you’re still searing. When it wakes you in the middle of the night you get up and strip your clothes but you’re still so sweaty inside the cracks of your fat rolls.

What they don’t tell you about menopause is you’ll still experience PMS. Yeah. I’ll tell you that now. There really is no difference. Your breasts will grow swollen and sore. Your face will break out the same as it did when you were seventeen. You’ll have cramps complete with the sensation of your vagina pulsating and the sharp pain that stabs you in the back and shoots out your butthole. You know, the stabbing pain that had you looking so forward to menopause so you wouldn’t have to feel it anymore. Oh, and prepare not to poop for a week.

What they don’t tell you about menopause is that you’ll crave eating everything. In the moment it will make sense to you to mix oatmeal with yogurt and put mustard on anything. You’ll shove your face and never feel full. You’ll eat and eat as your lack of hormones begs for more. The doctor will claim as you get older your metabolism slows down even though you know it’s bullshit because you’re only forty four. It’s exactly the same as when you’re pregnant except for the part where you’re pregnant.

What they don’t tell you about menopause is that your moods will swing like Tarzan. Neither you or your loved ones will know what to do anymore. You’ll become intolerable. When you’re sobbing your husband will feel so good as he spoons and consoles you even though you’ll irrationally sob even more. That’s right, you’re going to sob and get angry with no rhyme or reason at all. When you’re angry you’ll lash out at your husband to get the fuck away from you. “Get the fuck away from me. NOW!”

I’ve talked to women who have calm and collectively said, I’ve gone through menopause as if were no great feat.They’re an inspiration or a lair. As for me, up until the moment my hormones crashed and it hit me I had no idea what was coming.

Newspaper reporter in Eastern Iowa. The views expressed are mine alone.

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